[The Dominican]

Some of you may noticed a a post under the comp thread about an individual spinning tales of the most elaborate webs of bullshit you could possibly imagine. The post was iniated by my climbing partners, mattigaff and nugget.
I will do my best to try to expound our account of this weekend with the man we appropriately named "the dousch".

Firstly, I will start by thanking god, allah and other rare and mysterious polythiestic gods that "dousch" is not a member of the gym nor has he come close to breathing within VBRG's doors( this is a good thing).
Not even the occasional sprayer(including that guy who won the the beginner category at houndears..bravo sandbag!) that VBRG houses could never even be considered a match for this man.
I had come with upwards of a dozen nicknames and catch phrases towards the ending of the weekend, but it was settled to "dousch(pronouced DOOSH, like the bag)" that was chosen in the end to aptly describe his consistent and maticulous degree of retardation whilst preserving that essence of bullshit he worked so effortlessly and tirelessly to preserve.mountaineering...alpining or whatever...we heard it all.

From atop Roger's Rocky Top, NRG, he belted compelling stories that were...well,you can make your own assesment...

... How taking forty foot whippers were the most enjoyable to take because they gave you "plenty of time to think about what your doing"
" I love taking forty footers, man... you can do anything.."

... Seeing the Huber brothers take multiple 200 footers for fun.(p.s. 70m rope=210 ft rope.)Who in the f_ck would climb at least a 100 feet without placing a piece of protection?(barring slab) That's awesome!

...How he overheard nugget and mattigaff talking about AMGA (american mountainerring guide association) related information and felt obliged to walk over to nugget and let him know that he was AMGA "certified at the highest level" , but when asked, did not know what the highest level of AMGA cerification was? I think that he was just "high".

...Whilst climbing at Looking Glass, North Carolina his climbing partner told Dousch not to fall on a pitch of climbing because the anchor that he had built to support them both was "not that good". After a flawless climb Dousch, arose to anchor to find that composed merely of 2 eighth of in inch steel hooks and duck tape. (sounds like this dude is cooking some bubonic chronic in his kitchen.)

..At our initial run-in(keeping in mind that he was AMGA at the highest level)at the crag. I offered to hang draws on a climb he was eyeballing. I told him that the climb was super fun and that he should get on it while the top was relatively dry. He reply was that he was into the on-sighting thing and would not consider having draws hung. After casting off, he climbing partner had caught him backclipping. He started to get pissed and tell us that if he "had been trad climbing, that never would have happened" (chode). He stated that the differences between sportclimbing and trad climbing were night and day. He bitched about not being able to send a sportroute because he had to stop so much. He considered words like "gaston" and " drop-knee" as code that only a feeble minded sportclimber would understand because trad climbers didn't do any of that stuff(keep in mind that he was on a sportroute the whole time he was sounding off)... So after he was done resting (still at the first clip) and spraying temporarily, he preceded to next clip where he would back clip that. the spray continues all the way to the third clip where he would then be lowered down after repeated flaming-gay, drama filled falls from not being able to make a not so longish move to a huge jug. being the nice guy, I removed his draws in the rain even after hearing implacations the sportclimbers have undeveloped brains or some sh_t like that... the bottom line is that this cat needs Jesus.

His climbing partner escaped his clutches to climb with us for an evening session at the Hole. After returning from the hole, we had found out that Dousch had sent the routes a least a decade ago. " I remember when I did that sh_t, man. "
I must give props to PJ, Dousch's climbing partner for having a level of composure and patience that has been compared to that of shaoliin discipline. Bless you.

How could I know all these things from just hanging out in one weekend you ask? Simple...that motherfucker followed us around ALL goddamn weekend...and we weren't that happy about that. I think that we all were in somewhat of a state shock from all the sludge that oozed out of this cat's mouth. We would talk to other climbers about him and then a few minutes later without inpromtu or warning...there would be his little hobblin' _ss streaming beta like a sprinkler...and then it was only a matter of time before they knew. The Dousch.

The ONLY thing that Dousch had going for him was his puppy sidekick, a blue heeler, that seemed to not even want to be around him after indirect influence with a breakfast burrito.
I found out that years before...Dousch and James Litz got into a spat on the porch of rogers rocky top resort. Dousch tried to choke Litz. (p.s. James Litz = one of the strongest and well known climbers on the east coast...just flashed V13 or 14...it something sick like that.) who knows what ithat was about.

Recapping ...What I've learned

1. taking forty foot falls will give you a level of clarity millions hope to achieve.

2. When trad climbers speak it sounds like english...when sportclimbers speak, it resembles a dialect of wookie (kinda like Chewbacca)

3. Just how exicted I am to learn that I can climb trad with the same things I would repair a christmas ornament with. (duck tape and hooks)

4. If I lose all of my friends, I can by a dog that has a passion for eggs.

5. Backclipping only applies to sportclimbing.

6. Drop-knees,gastons, hand jams, footwork and over various staples of climbing are not found in a trad climbers dictionary.

7.You can be AMGA certified at the highest level and not even have to know what the highest level is.

8. Sometimes marijuana does some bad things to people.

9. There can be only one.....the Dousch.
_________________
Be Cool. Don't Spray.